I Just Need

to write! Today I was reminded of a vision for my future that I had as a high school student and into my college years. I wanted to find a tranquil place where I could be left alone for long periods of time so that I could write. At that time, I had so many ideas in my head and I wanted to document them as quickly as I could. In college, I met a professor who inspired me to write even more. I was studying philosophy and he told me that my ideas and writing style were extraordinary. This stunned and inspired me more! I continued to write in my notebooks and most of what I wrote was stream of consciousness with no intent to share my words. But I was inspired and nothing could stop me. This professor would tell stories about his cabin in the woods where he would go to on the weekends to write. No one bothered him there and he always came back feeling renewed and accomplished. I was awestruck by this man. He was speaking, nay, living my vision.

Sadly, my vision slowly faded into the background. In fact, it nearly disappeared from my life and was no longer burned into my memory. A faint, dull etching on the wall. Rotting, a dying ember (thank you Poe for you are forever with me).

I became and continue to live that mundane, bleak existence that I feared for so long.  Reality didn’t hit me with the briskness of a cold shower but instead it found me, lured me, hushed me into submission season after season. I went to school so that I could be what I wanted to be but somewhere along the line it turned out that I had lost many parts of myself. Work to pay those student loans. Work to eat. Work to sustain your life. There is no romance in this work.

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